I was struggling with him, without fully acknowledging it. I was running into a brick wall so-to-speak, ramming my head as if I were a ram butting heads with another, growling at him to take charge of his life instead of whining about the bullshit he was allowing in. He will never amount to anything as long as he continues down that path... I saw a man inside, wanting to get out, a man in need of genuine love and respect in all it's aspects. I tried to give that to him, but he couldn't fit the shoe. He continued whining and crying about how he has responsibilities and how he never had this ...or that... how he wished this or that. I got him started on the road he confronted his father, but instead of going on that path he stopped. He needs the balls to continue, but he doesn't dare show them, he'd rather follow.
I can't allow someone like that into my life, I can't allow someone like that to lead my family when they can't lead.
I need someone to take the lead as well as follow the lead. That isn't him.
I am a strong woman. Not a girl.
I am a intelligent woman. not a child.
I am a leader and a follower.
I am a woman of observation.
I am many things.
I'm not a weak minded soul
I'm not a closed-minded person
I am what I am.
Take me as who I am or piss off and quit wasting my time.
My heart is complicated, it loves what it loves and defies all logic.
My head is logical, cold and calculated, only interrupted at times by my own stupidity.
I'm passionate when I know what I want.
I get what I want and need.
I won't do it an any cost to myself.
I don't hurt people unless they threaten me.
My mind is far more violent than I ever will be,
but that doesn't stop me from imagining what I could do.
As I've come to see that in myself and accept my downfalls as well as my good points... I've realized that I lost my John and still hope that he still has some sort of love for me, whether it be in friendship or otherwise I'll take it. I love him still and he will always be my best friend, but I know that despite that our time has come and gone, now that I know that I must move on.
I must stop pushing those who love me away, stop questioning them at every turn. I must accept them fully, be there for them even if I don't agree. I must fully give my attention to Billy, he may not be exactly idealistic, but he is my Billy, my love able to do what I need to feel happy, safe and loved.
I've lied to myself many times over the past year. My lies in their own way lead to my break with John, all the confusion, all the torture I was giving myself affected us. I must in a sense ... grab life by the balls and demand what I want and risk nothing but myself to get it.
I'm done with the self doubt, the self loathing. I'm done adapting for others, I am not their pillow to cry on, I am not their rock to lean on. I am my own pillow, my own rock I am someone who isn't selfish, who would do anything for others and doesn't ask for anything in return except consideration and respect.
I love many and I love few.
My friends are my family. My family, even though messed up at times, are my heart. My soul is my lover, my best friend and my spirit is me, a winged cat, a loner, an understanding creature with curious eyes, concerned for it all.
Shane is still my friend, I still care for him, but that is all. His brother is a closer, better friend to me. John is my best friend, the only one I know I can still tell everything to and know that I'm not being judged. Billy is my heart, we are one in the same, we want the same things, we need the same things. With him ..I need to show that no matter where I'm at I'll still be there and be his. I need to show him that life goes on even when shit is hitting the fan a problem is only as big as you make it. Life is all about perception.
Common sense ...isn't common.
The golden rule is bullshit.
Be as honest as you'd like to be. People will still believe what they want. They don't always accept the truth.
Raise your kids for survival. Don't shelter them from the realities. Greed, violence, death, lies may be bad, but that doesn't mean they don't exist. Closing your eyes doesn't make anything go away, just makes it angrier.
Teach as well as be taught by those around you.
Love those around you even if they're hurting you. Remember that without them you won't become you who need to be, remember that they have reasons just like you have yours when you've hurt someone.
Need and want are very different things.
You never stop growing up. There is no such thing as maturity.
Teenagers will always rebel, give them slack but not too much.
We are not all doomed.
There is no devil and there is no god, there is an entity that is both, something more than we could ever understand or put words to that is guiding us. It's inside of us and it is very personal.
No life is a waste.
Not everyone is meant to be alive.
The weak can make the strong weaker.
Hmm ... I just spilled out every thought in my head and shared with you a very good part of me. Of who I am. I may be flawed in my thinking, but I am putting myself out there for you guys to read to actually know me ...to really see who I am, this strange woman whose journal you read from time to time...
I know it's a long read but ... my thoughts are never short. I've always been the kid who tells stories instead of stating facts. *wink*
Would you like some stories with your facts today, sir?
A lot of changes has happened while I was on that rocky road (not the marshmellowy goodness) called a break, with my now ex, Shane. Hindsight, they say is 20/20, a very true statement there is really no truer statement in the world, (other than ..the world is full of shit, then you get over it) At any rate, I realized that I didn't love Shane ...not in the sense that it seemed at the time. When I imagined my life with him, I couldn't. I couldn't imagine a full and fulfilling life with him, not with kids, house ... not with even simple living together. What I imagined was me holding him by his hand trying to get what I really saw in him out, struggling in the meanwhile with his idiotic show, which is pathetic.