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Mar. 30th, 2010

myself

Long Time...No Type

So, it's been a year for me since I posted last. I could easy say that not much has changed, however, I'd be lying. A lot has changed, so much I don't know where to start.

I broke up with Shane and for awhile was chasing a guy named Erik .. and a few months back broke things off with him as well. I got a job at a thrift store a year and a few weeks ago at a place called Deseret Industries. It's a decent enough job, but not one anyone would want for the rest of their life. During my employment there I went to Apollo College to become a veterinary assistant and succeeded, I'm now on my internship that I must complete in order to be considered fully graduated from Apollo.

So, I'm now doing that on Monday's, Tuesdays and Fridays and working at the thrift store on Wednesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays.

Once done with that I will more than likely be moving out to my new boyfriend's place. That can't come soon enough, but that's a whole new set of drama there that I won't get into.

Today's my birthday and I spent it working at the clinic for four hours and then I'm going to class just to visit. Yay ... but at least I won't be alone as I would be if I just stayed home.

I need to go and get ready to leave.. so I'll probably come back and post if I have the desire to do such.

Feb. 17th, 2009

myself

Update of Yor

Don't ask me about the subject, I don't know. Just typed it.

A few things have happened lately that may be of some interest to some of you who actually give a damn about me. Not even sure where to begin because the last two weeks have been stressful for me, for various reasons and of various degrees.

The other week, I was in a dark place in my mind. I was taking joy in making my "weakest" friends squirm, I enjoyed smothering them with non-stop smartass remarks and cruel jokes at their expense. It sounds evil, but I was very aggressive the other week. I was so pissed off and annoyed at everything and everyone. I haven't released stress in quite some time, btw, so it may have been a reason for that.

At any rate, during that week I got back with Shane. Things are back on the mend right now and seems to be going right so far. I love him still and he loves me. We're having to deal with the distance, which I hate.

Though ... life shall go on and soon I shall be with him and by his side.

Then the week after that came and it seemed to be pretty mellow, with few annoyance just the tying up of loose strings and all that.

The hardest part of that week, however, was towards the end when I had to give my dog up. So, I no longer have Nykia. She's three years old ... cute as a button, hyper as fuck and is now my brother's dog *sigh*

It hurts so bad and will continue to hurt for awhile.

My mother has been acting cold about it, treating me as if I shouldn't be feeling how I am feeling right now. It's just really difficult, I don't know what I should do... there isn't much I can.

I just have to keep searching for a job and hope to move out asap. I want to move in with Shane.

Well, that's it for now. Later all.

Jan. 9th, 2009

myself

Changes

A lot of changes has happened while I was on that rocky road (not the marshmellowy goodness) called a break, with my now ex, Shane. Hindsight, they say is 20/20, a very true statement there is really no truer statement in the world, (other than ..the world is full of shit, then you get over it) At any rate, I realized that I didn't love Shane ...not in the sense that it seemed at the time. When I imagined my life with him, I couldn't. I couldn't imagine a full and fulfilling life with him, not with kids, house ... not with even simple living together. What I imagined was me holding him by his hand trying to get what I really saw in him out, struggling in the meanwhile with his idiotic show, which is pathetic.

I was struggling with him, without fully acknowledging it. I was running into a brick wall so-to-speak, ramming my head as if I were a ram butting heads with another, growling at him to take charge of his life instead of whining about the bullshit he was allowing in. He will never amount to anything as long as he continues down that path... I saw a man inside, wanting to get out, a man in need of genuine love and respect in all it's aspects. I tried to give that to him, but he couldn't fit the shoe. He continued whining and crying about how he has responsibilities and how he never had this ...or that... how he wished this or that. I got him started on the road he confronted his father, but instead of going on that path he stopped. He needs the balls to continue, but he doesn't dare show them, he'd rather follow.

I can't allow someone like that into my life, I can't allow someone like that to lead my family when they can't lead.

I need someone to take the lead as well as follow the lead. That isn't him.

I am a strong woman. Not a girl.
I am a intelligent woman. not a child.
I am a leader and a follower.
I am a woman of observation.

I am many things.

I'm not a weak minded soul
I'm not a closed-minded person

I am what I am.
Take me as who I am or piss off and quit wasting my time.

My heart is complicated, it loves what it loves and defies all logic.
My head is logical, cold and calculated, only interrupted at times by my own stupidity.

I'm passionate when I know what I want.
I get what I want and need.
I won't do it an any cost to myself.
I don't hurt people unless they threaten me.
My mind is far more violent than I ever will be,
but that doesn't stop me from imagining what I could do.

As I've come to see that in myself and accept my downfalls as well as my good points... I've realized that I lost my John and still hope that he still has some sort of love for me, whether it be in friendship or otherwise I'll take it. I love him still and he will always be my best friend, but I know that despite that our time has come and gone, now that I know that I must move on.

I must stop pushing those who love me away, stop questioning them at every turn. I must accept them fully, be there for them even if I don't agree. I must fully give my attention to Billy, he may not be exactly idealistic, but he is my Billy, my love able to do what I need to feel happy, safe and loved.

I've lied to myself many times over the past year. My lies in their own way lead to my break with John, all the confusion, all the torture I was giving myself affected us. I must in a sense ... grab life by the balls and demand what I want and risk nothing but myself to get it.
I'm done with the self doubt, the self loathing. I'm done adapting for others, I am not their pillow to cry on, I am not their rock to lean on. I am my own pillow, my own rock I am someone who isn't selfish, who would do anything for others and doesn't ask for anything in return except consideration and respect.

I love many and I love few.

My friends are my family. My family, even though messed up at times, are my heart. My soul is my lover, my best friend and my spirit is me, a winged cat, a loner, an understanding creature with curious eyes, concerned for it all.

Shane is still my friend, I still care for him, but that is all. His brother is a closer, better friend to me. John is my best friend, the only one I know I can still tell everything to and know that I'm not being judged. Billy is my heart, we are one in the same, we want the same things, we need the same things. With him ..I need to show that no matter where I'm at I'll still be there and be his. I need to show him that life goes on even when shit is hitting the fan a problem is only as big as you make it. Life is all about perception.

Common sense ...isn't common.
The golden rule is bullshit.
Be as honest as you'd like to be. People will still believe what they want. They don't always accept the truth.
Raise your kids for survival. Don't shelter them from the realities. Greed, violence, death, lies may be bad, but that doesn't mean they don't exist. Closing your eyes doesn't make anything go away, just makes it angrier.
Teach as well as be taught by those around you.
Love those around you even if they're hurting you. Remember that without them you won't become you who need to be, remember that they have reasons just like you have yours when you've hurt someone.
Need and want are very different things.
You never stop growing up. There is no such thing as maturity.
Teenagers will always rebel, give them slack but not too much.
We are not all doomed.
There is no devil and there is no god, there is an entity that is both, something more than we could ever understand or put words to that is guiding us. It's inside of us and it is very personal.

No life is a waste.
Not everyone is meant to be alive.
The weak can make the strong weaker.

Hmm ... I just spilled out every thought in my head and shared with you a very good part of me. Of who I am. I may be flawed in my thinking, but I am putting myself out there for you guys to read to actually know me ...to really see who I am, this strange woman whose journal you read from time to time...

I know it's a long read but ... my thoughts are never short. I've always been the kid who tells stories instead of stating facts. *wink*

Would you like some stories with your facts today, sir?

Dec. 29th, 2008

myself

(no subject)

1. Your Middle Name:

2. Age:

3. Single or Taken:

4. Favourite Movie:

5. Favourite Song or Album:

6. Favourite Band or Artist:

7. Dirty or Clean:

8. Tattoos and/or Piercings:

9. Do we know each other outside of LJ?

10. What's your philosophy on life?

11. Is the bottle half-full or half-empty?

12. Would you keep a secret from me if you thought it was in my best interest?

13. What is your favourite memory of us?

14. What is your favourite guilty pleasure?

15. Tell me one odd/interesting fact about you:

16. You can have three wishes for yourself, what are they?

17. Can we get together and make a cake?

18. Which country is your spiritual home?

19. What is your big weakness?

20. Do you think I'm a good person?

21. What was your best/favourite subject at school?

22. Describe your accent:

23. If you could change anything about me, would you?

24. What do you wear to sleep?

25. Trousers or skirts?

26. Cigarettes or alcohol?

27. If I only had one day to live, what would we do together?

28. Will you repost this so I can fill it out for you?

Oct. 26th, 2008

myself

Moving

Well, it's settled. Soon I shall be moving away from Oregon and will be living in Indiana. If you haven't been keeping tabs, what's in Indiana is my boyfriend, Shane. I'm kinda excited especially since it's going to be with my own money. I won't have to count on my mom for much on it, but I do hope that she helps where she can if I can't do something.

Right now I'm just hoping she can care for my pets until I get the money to bring them with me.

I've spent most of my hours tonight in WoW inside instances on my priest. It's been kinda tiring sorta, but fun because the groups went smoothly. I should be sleeping right now, but ...eh screw it I'm already going to be exhausted.

Got to get up at around 5 or 5:30am and it's now 12:38am. Will be babysitting til 7pm I think.

Oct. 11th, 2008

myself

Taken from the Philmeister

001. ask me 4 questions, no matter how dirty, private, or random i have to answer them honestly
002. i will comment back with my answers
003. in turn, you have to post this message in your own journal, and you have to answer the questions that are asked of you.

Sep. 25th, 2008

myself

(no subject)

01) Are you currently in a serious relationship?
02) What was your dream growing up?
03) What talent do you wish you had?
04) If I bought you a drink what would it be?
05) Favorite vegetable?
06) What was the last book you read?
07) What zodiac sign are you?
08) Any Tattoos and/or Piercings? Explain where.
09) Worst Habit?
10) If you saw me walking down the street would you offer me a ride?
11) What is your favorite sport?
12) Do you have a Pessimistic or Optimistic attitude?
13) What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me?
14) Worst thing to ever happen to you?
15) Tell me one weird fact about you.
16) Do you have any pets?
17) What if I showed up at your house unexpectedly?
18) What was your first impression of me?
19) Do you think clowns are cute or scary?
20) If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be?
21) Would you be my crime partner or my conscience?
22) What color eyes do you have?
23) Ever been arrested?
24) Bottle or can soda?
25) If you won $10,000 today, what would you do with it?
27) What's your favorite place to hang out at?
28) Do you believe in ghosts?
29) Favorite thing to do in your spare time?
30) Do you swear a lot?
31) Biggest pet peeve?
32) In one word, how would you describe yourself?
33) Do you believe/appreciate romance?
34) Favourite and least favourite food?
35) Do you believe in God?
36) Will you repost this so I can fill it out and do the same for you?

Sep. 23rd, 2008

myself

(no subject)

Leave a comment and I will;
a) Tell you why I friended you.
b) Associate you with something - fandom, a song, a colour, a photo, etc.
c) Tell you something I like about you.
d) Tell you a memory I have of you.
e) Ask something I've always wanted to know about you.
f) Tell you my favourite user pic of yours.
g) in return, you must post this on your own LJ.

Sep. 13th, 2008

myself

Tired of it All

I'm tired of my friends coming and going into my life like I won't feel anything or think anything about them flaking. If you want to be my friend, then be my friend, just don't treat me as if I don't matter, treat me as if you'd want me to treat you. I'm sick of the games.

Why can't people just grow up and stop being so selfish? I have feelings too and I'm sick of when I get a little selfish people act as if I'm doing something sinful.

I don't have kids yet ..but my mother seems to think that I don't have the right to act like I don't have any... like I'm supposed to put myself aside for them. Sorry doesn't work like that. I will become all into caring for my family, my kids putting myself aside when it comes time to do that, but I will not over-exert myself to cook dinner, clean up when I'm damn exhausted to start with now.

I'm wanting to rest, but I can't because I'm filled with worry and concern about everyone and everything. Yes, I should just cool it and relax. But I can't. *sigh*

I love my family, but sometimes I really hate them.

Shane tells me that I deserve him, but sometimes I wonder because life just seems to want to make everything hard for us. I just so badly want to be by his side and start my life, finally. No one understands how geared my mind and heart is for being a wife and mother. It's all I truly want, what I fully desire.

I'm just wondering when I can start actually having my family... so I can curl up and just be surrounded by that instead of instability.

No one really gets me, they just think they do.

What you'll have to understand is that I may seem to tell you everything that's on my mind, I may seem like I'm giving you my all, but I'm not. The only ones who have seen all of me are those closest to me and you know you are.

I'm tired now and I'm going to go lie down. Later.

Sep. 2nd, 2008

myself

Taken from the Philmonster

01. Do you have a tattoo?
02. How old are you?
03. Are you single or taken?
04. Eat with your hands or utensils?
05. What were you doing last time you daydreamed?
06. Ever seen a corpse?
07. Bob Dylan or Johnny Cash?
08. How did we meet on LJ?
09. Whats your philosophy on life and death?
10. If you could do anything with me, and have no one know, what would it be?
11. Do you trust the police?
12. Do you like Country music?
13. What is your fondest memory of fandom?
14. If you could change anything about yourself what would it be?
15. Would you cheat?
16. What do you wear to sleep?
17. Have you ever peed in a pool?
18. Would you hide evidence for me if I asked you to?
19. If I appeared on your doorstep, unexpected, what would we do together?
20. Which do you prefer - short or long hair?
21. Do you sing in the shower?
22. What's your favourite fruit?
23. If you could bring back anyone that has passed, who would it be?
24. Tell me one interesting/odd fact about you?
25. What was your first impression of me?
26. Have you ever done drugs?
27. Will you post this so I can fill it out for you?

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